*learns all Froot Loops are the same flavor regardless of color*
*sighs*
*sadly deletes 583 page PhD thesis*
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wife: it looks too tight
me: it’s fine, let’s just go
[ten minutes later paramedics have to cut my turtleneck off after I pass out]
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Just saw my parents having sex. That’s the last time I go onto that website.
been doing nothing but overeating and avoiding exercise since this quarantine started and for the last 10 years before that
Welcome to middle age.
Only one nostril works
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
I bet The Ring really made it hard for dead people that want to crawl out of your tv for friendly reasons.
Them: “How’s your diet going?”
Me: *slowly eats a powdered donut while maintaining eye contact*
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
I, too, am shocked Ted Cruz has had sex. I just assumed his kids were born when he ate after midnight and got wet like in the movie Gremlins
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Bruce Willis and the pug are lying on hospital beds, hand in paw. The pug’s kidneys are failing and despite science & logic,Bruce is a match
Maggi is the girlfriend of the food world. It says 2 minutes but never gets ready in less than 20 minutes.
don’t think i’ve met a single person ever who listens to machine gun kelly. he is less of a musician and more like a mischievous forest spirit who emerges every five years to haunt a very beautiful woman to the point of madness
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
Not sure why bigots think gay sex is wrong, all, “Sex is for procreation!” I thought Ke$ha was proof that people can be conceived anally.
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
ME, my last day as a doctor: Sir, your sugar is dangerously high. You need to eat less… *checking the notes on my hand*… crabs.
If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.
Dads watch golf because they know no one will join them
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
If you put on a really cute outfit you can walk around a nightclub selling people drinks that you find on tables.
Goldilocks: [on Xanax] you know what? these are all fine
*watches TV*
GET AN ANONYMOUS ONLINE QUOTE NOW!
*logs on*
“You’re a giant idiot and your parents are very disappointed in you” – Anonymous
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
Tried a Peloton. Just like most other things I eat it left me unfilled, underwhelmed, gave me heartburn. Two out of five stars, tops. There are better snacks out there.