I’m just your average mom, trying to convince my kids that 4:45pm is indeed their bedtime, because I’ve had enough of their shit for one day
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[Person who spends 20 hours per week in the gym]
“The trick is to drink 8 glasses of water a day.”
me: can we watch something besides basketball tonight
him: sure how about a movie
me: cool you pick
[halfway through Teen Wolf]
me: you tricked me
My kid:
With blanket – too hot
Without blanket – too coldUnder my blanket with a leg over my neck – perfect
You got 30 minutes to text me back or I’m breaking into your house & responding to myself.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I hate that teeth require so much specific care, the rest of my bones are so low maintenance
Never ever tell yourself “my idea isn’t good enough.” The entire premise of Marmaduke is “what if a dog was big” and that shit has been going for 60 goddamn years
WHAT I SAID:
Woah! You look like Tina Turner on meth.WHAT I SHOULD’VE SAID:
Good Morning Honey.
Karen, if you can see this, the tupperware didn’t come with the lasagna. The tupperware wasn’t a gift
“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
Sick of people telling me to “calm down” and “release the hostages.”
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
[WOLF CUB] Dad, why do we howl at the moon?
[WOLF DAD] Well son, the moon is made of cheese and that’s rad as hell
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
What happens when you wear flowy sleeves? They get caught on every doorknob you walk past.
The most important thing I teach my guitar students is never sing Brown Eyed Girl to a green eyed woman.
Me: So are we putting the soy milk with an expiration date of October 31, 2021 back in the fridge or…
Wife: No it’s ok it’s only the ‘best by’ date
Soldier: The target entered a building
General: Find and detain him
Soldier: It’s… a candy cane factory
General: *slams fist* DAMN YOU WALDO
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
Roses are red
Violets are blue
I need a nap,
and a cheeseburger too.
[touching face upon receiving compliment]
Glad you like it. But, it’s not a teardrop tattoo. It’s an Oxford comma.
My dog wakes up at 4:30 every morning so he can take a nap by 6.
*falls down*
Mom: What was that?
Me: My shirt fell
Mom: It sounded much heavier than a shirt
Me: I was in it
[Job interview]
Me: [thinking] I hope he doesn’t notice the mustard on my shirtInterviewer: [thinking] Is he eating a fkn hotdog?
Apparently losing my mind was not the answer they expected when they asked what my plans for the weekend are
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
my life is ruined
i wish to live no morenever mind i found the remote.
Doc: have you been displaying any symptoms of vampirism?
Me: I’ve been..
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: …
Doc: …
Me: Coffin.
Doc: get out
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide