CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
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This cop is acting like he never saw anyone drive while making waffles before.
I’m starting to suspect that all these women with “princess” on their license plate frames are not really princesses at all.
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Mad cow disease wears off and eventually you’re just tired with a cow disease.
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Me: what are you doing
Cat: WAT
Me: I know that look you’re planning something what is it
Cat: HOW DARE
Cat: AM ONLY THINK INNOCENT THOUGHT
Cat: AM PURE OF HEART
Me: your pupils are huge right now
Cat:
Me:
Cat:
Me: retract those pupils
Cat: JUST GOING 2 DO SMALL DESTROY
The horn quit working in my truck, so I’m hanging out of the window revving this chainsaw at pedestrians.
I love when murder documentaries let me know that the scene they’re showing is a ‘dramatic reenactment’, like I thought a professional camera crew filmed John Wayne Gacy eating breakfast with his wife the morning after he buried a corpse under his floorboards.
my therapist told me to have an image to focus on when i think there is no hope
My son has stolen my iPad to play minecraft. Please retweet this so the notifications disrupt his playing.
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
The thumbs up emoji is a nice way to tell someone not only did you receive their message, you’re also done with the conversation.
*slams gavel*
‘Your honor, she said she didn’t want fries’
and?
‘when the waiter brought mine, she ate from my plate’
*courtroom gasps*
Lifeguards should focus more on water safety and less on me laying eggs in the sand.
It’s that time of year again, to reflect and remember how much I love my tax deductions.
Kids… I meant my kids.
Job interviews be like what’s your biggest weakness, ummm I don’t have a job bro
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Me: I can tell my left from my right accurately 100% of the time when I do the L thingy with my hand
Interviewer:….ok. And weaknesses?
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
It must be awkward being a cyclops called Iain.
i’m sorry this is an insane national puppy day brand interaction
Harry: I got my scar when Voldemort tried to kill me. How about you?
Me, who walked into an open cabinet door: Uh, Azkaban prison riot
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
Sorry I armed a group of theoretical physicists with Sharpies and set them loose in your glass pane warehouse
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.
The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats
If I’m ever dangling off a cliff and your hands are full of mikes hard lemonades you better give me one so i can be refreshed on my way down