Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
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It’s actually only “Helvetica” if it comes from the Helvetia region of Europe. Otherwise you have to call it “sparkling Arial”
You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
My rose versus your carnation.
FLORAL COMBAT!
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
[finishing last sip of wine]
waiter: would you like another glass?
me: no just refill this one
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
Me: and now turning to slide 23, in conclusion I think we can all agree that this is not the outcome we were hoping for
Widow: *taking back microphone* how did you know my husband?
Teenagers should not handle weapons to fight crime or be turtles.
Eleanor Rigby: Yep so I’m a church janitor
The Beatles: So you must be lonely as shit. Like that’s so sad. Man that sucks so much, for you.
Eleanor Rigby: No actually, idk where you-
The Beatles: I’m going to write a song about this
Every time my neighbor mows his lawn at 7am, I just stand on my front porch naked with my coffee watching him.
me: they’re just-
wife: don’t say it
me: …
wife: i mean it
me: …
wife: …
me: lion there
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
You know when you’ve run out of loo paper and you have to do that little shuffle with your knickers round your ankles…
Thankfully I’m almost at Tesco’s.
If you wanna be my lover
– I’m listening
You gotta get with my friends
– ….I’m listening
😎 🍻
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
Best translation fail. The arabic spells out a transliteration of ‘meat ball’ in English – which sounds like ‘mayit baul’, or Dead Paul.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
I didn’t think a McDonald’s Happy Meal would fill me up, but it did…
OMG, I ATE THE TOY!
my 6yo: guys?……can i do anything i want with this brownie?
my husband and i: ………👀
6yo: like eat it with a potato chip?
*synchronized sigh of relief*