[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
You Might Also Like
Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
You mean ‘idiosyncrasies’ doesn’t mean two or more idiots doing the same thing at the same time?
Ice cream guys gotta be furious about the moment food trucks are having. They spend hot summers driving around neighborhoods in search of a clientele with basically no money. Food trucks just drop anchor in an office park and suddenly everyone loses their shit for grilled cheese.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
me 2 months after i graduated
Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
I wonder what part of the cow is the Salisbury?
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
I can’t understand a damn word this accent pillow is saying.
Just got off 30 min phone call w a friend who has twin 2 yr olds, & even tho i havent had sex in a week I’m taking a morning after pill NOW.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
me: time for sleep 🙂
my brain: IS IT THE “S” OR THE “C” THAT’S SILENT IN THE WORD “SCENT”???
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
very rough morning. my male cat tried to mate with my female cat and bc they aren’t married I had to explain why they’re both going to hell
Can’t, just found out I’m way behind on my 6th grade math homework.
[1st date]
HER: I love the idea of marriage. What are your thoughts on it?
ME: [trying to impress her] I have 6 wives
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
My son asked me the definition of impending doom. I just said, ‘you know when you smell dog poop in the house, but you can’t see it?
That.’
Her: You’ve been quiet.
Him: Thank you.
The worst part about having PMS in the winter is the ground is too frozen to bury the bodies.
Well, this explains it:
My neighbours were furious last time I held a yard sale.
I sold their house.