The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
You Might Also Like
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
Kinda feel like this is just the razzle dazzle my resume needs.
I now know why they’re called the wee hours of the night
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
Me: clutter makes me want to burn this house to the ground
Also me: there are still 3 drops of shampoo in this bottle, better save it in case of emergency
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
Son, no longer do rituals and conquests mark the passage into manhood. Thru the ages boys would face bears, tigers with a chiseled stone knife. As you are only five, we shall start slow.
*I fill his pockets with sunflower seeds and prod him towards the mass of park squirrels*
4-year-old: How many push-ups can you do?
Me: A million.
4: Then why did your arms shake on the first one?
Me: Must’ve been an earthquake
(Me, finding lemons outside my door again) Good thing universe has a hearing problem! I wasn’t serious when I ordered those demons
[hearing that someone has died]
oh no that guy hated dying
Guess who just won the laser tag tournament at the senior center AGAIN
Kids: Mom, what happened to our college fund?
Me: Avocados.
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Asked my 5yo how he wanted me to peel his banana, and he said any way, and this is a trap isn’t it
[Being murdered]
You’re on my hair
My wife took our kids to the aquarium the other day and then our 5yo asked me if one weekend I could “take us to outer space”
[me and some other dude wearing the same shirt at a party]
me: “how did we both fit in this lmao”
Top three Eagles albums:
1.
2.
3. The one with that California song
if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Me: I’m in such a happy mood right now!
Female reproductive system: Hold my beer
You wake in a strange cellar, chained to a boiler. You slowly recognize the man standing over you as an old co-worker. He puts his cheek against yours & whispers:
“Remember in 2003 when you said Aerosmith did Come Together better than the Beatles?”