San Francisco has too many rules
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My mom, to me as a kid: You’d probably never bathe if you could get away with it.
Me now, in quarantine: She was right on the money with that one.
[first day in hell]
Me: *opening google maps* better find this “special place” they said was here for me
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Splinter: Leo.
Mikey: I’m Michelangelo. That’s Leo.
Donny: I’m Donatello. That’s Leo.
Leo: I thought I was Raphael.– Why they wear masks
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
You: Artfully arranges flowers in vase so the room looks nice
Me: Artfully arranges garbage in trash so the kids don’t see what I threw out
me: if i had a time machine i’d eat dinner again
friend: so go back for seconds?
me: no probably longer than that
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.
ME: Well, time to make like a tree, and leaf.
HER: *giggling* So, my place or…
ME: *starts sprouting leaves from my fingers*
HER: WHAT THE
Shazam but for telling you the name of someone who’s only just been introduced to you 5 minutes ago but you weren’t listening.
every coat is a fur coat when your cat sleeps on it
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Couple down the street from us celebrated 53 years of marriage the other day.
I asked the wife “how did you do it?”
She said “my knees tired”.
They go to church every Sunday so I THINK she meant pray.
But Jesus Christ i just ain’t all the way sure.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I just come here for the free life advice and inspirational quotes from people who’s lives are complete train wrecks.
The first 8-10 hours after I wake up are the roughest.
Me: Why are you digging in your ear?
3: Daddy pulled out coins yesterday and I’m looking for more for my piggy bank!
Me: Well in this economy it can’t hurt to try
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
My husband’s beige flag is he’s always ranting about the “feels like” temperature on the weather app. “If we always say 30 degrees FEELS LIKE a different temperature than 30 degrees, how can we ever know what real 30 degrees feels like??????”
Just watched a guy walk into the wall, because he couldn’t decide if he should go left or right. The future of humanity scares me.
[first day as a teacher]
*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”[the lamaze class seems confused]
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
When someone tells me they’re sick I try to make them feel better with a story about my own sickness that was much worse and many years ago.
I live alone.
The dryer is my closet.
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Dinosaur 911: what’s ur emergency
Dinosaur: A FIREBALL IN THE SKY IS FLYIN AT US
Dinosaur 911: is it the sun
Dinosaur: haha probably. bye
Met a cute guy at the gym we like all the same movies and he loved my shoes. We have a movie date tonight and he’s bringing his boyfriend.
i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica