*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*
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“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[working at prison coffee shop]
I walk up to the biggest guy in there & punch his loyalty card bc repeat customers are crucial to business
these fake antiques roadshow captions are so funny to me
[A THREAD]
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
Netflix needs an “unwatch” button so you can watch the newest episode without getting caught
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
“Where do you get your ideas?” he said.
“Same place you do,” she said.
“No, seriously-”
“And I go early so I can take all the best ones.”
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Phil Collins’ “In The Air Tonight” is the best ever song about a silent but deadly fart.
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
If I could time travel, I’d grab English major me in college & say, “Look, books will nourish your soul but take an appliance repair class.”
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Teen girl in mirror “I look like death!”
[Meanwhile in Hell]
Death scoffs & flips his hair “Yeah, as if”
They’re doing a meeting activity called Escape Room and that pretty much sums up what I’m trying to do.
They say a dog park is a great place to meet guys.
I don’t have a dog, but I walk around with a bag full of poop so I don’t look weird.
A shark can sense a drop of blood from 3 miles away, and a mom can sense you’re not getting enough to eat from 10,000.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
You people who pull back the shower curtain checking for psycopathic murderers … if you find one, what’s your plan?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Police: How did they break in?
Me: I have a fake garden rock w/a key inside.
Police: They found it?
Me: They threw it through the window.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
my wife: [hand on coffin] I just miss you so much
me: let me out then