I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
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I know how to make her bite her lip, arch her back and curl her toes
Legos on the floor by her side of the bed
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Sometimes you’re the cat’s meow, sometimes you’re the hairball.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
So I climb a tree and scream and its an “issue” but cicadas do it and its a natural marvel. OK.
Probably the sport I’m best at is screaming.
Me: Give me your tenderest of loins.
Butcher: That’s not… Please don’t order it that way.
It turns out condoms aren’t 100% effective, unless you actually take them out of your wallet…
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
I’m giving up sex for lent mostly because I’m not having any anyway so it seems like the easiest and most logical choice for this journey.
maybe if millennials didn’t buy an avocado toast every single day, then they could afford to purchase a house in 1955 like everyone else.
Call me old fashioned, but I think any woman that can open the lid of a jar by herself is a witch.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
Annie, are you ok? You sure? Cool
That’s how long that song would’ve lasted if I sang it.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Whoever named rice cakes is probably also responsible for Paris, Texas
I stab myself a little bit every day to slowly build up an immunity to being stabbed to death.
As a parent you get to see just how much a baby accomplishes in its first year of life. Because you’re awake for all of it.
professor: remember, there are no stupid questions-
me: [raising hand] if 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrhea, does the fifth one enjoy it
professor: okay there is one stupid question
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
but whales can’t sink a sub
ORCAn they?
Dear guy sitting next to me at the bar wearing camouflage: I can still see you.
i catch her eye from across the room
she smiles
i make my way thru the crowd
we meet
“hi”
hi
“here’s your eye back”
thanks nice catch
Trains are just sideway elevators.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
these minion tweets are getting pretty gru some
I’ll put a comma, after a comma, even if it doesn’t need a comma, to completely, drive you, insane.