remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
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I used to think Calculus was confusing, then I read your last tweet.
Jesus died for our sins.
But then he came back to life.
Pretty sure that breaks the deal.
When life hands you women, make women laid.
God: you’re a koala bear.
Koala: yay I love bears!
God: but you’re not a bear.
Koala: oh.
God: yeah.
Koala: this is awkward.
God: it’s just bears have certain criteria.
Koala: so you’re saying I don’t meet the koalafications : )
God:
Koala:
God: that pun was beary bad.
I said I was thinking about you. I left out the part with the wood chipper.
just left a huge legacy in there
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Doctor: It’s terrible. You’ve been diagnosed with Tetris.
Me: Doc, I think you mean Tetanus.
Doctor: This is serious!
Me: *neatly wedging myself into the corner of the room* You must be mistaken
I saw all your OJ jokes yesterday and they absolutely killed me
Caught my kid wiping their boogers on the couch which is gross because I don’t want our boogers mixing.
I find a hole in one of my socks and think “alright, let’s put it back in the drawer and see if it heals.”
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
The same plot as the Matrix, only the Matrix runs Windows.
The system crashes on its own.
The human race is saved by shitty programming.
Post more gym selfies so I know who to call when I need to move
[on quiz show]
“and if you won some money today keith, what would you do with it?”
*leans way too close into the microphone*
spend it alex
“HELP WITH CAT”
The zombie I shot earlier may have just been a kid with chapped lips. I don’t take any chances.
One time I did mushrooms and played GTA and felt regret for the lives I was taking I was all “Holy shit these people have families”
My kid once got out of bed and Irish step danced down the hall in her sleep. Which I guess was odd but tbh I was just relieved she wasn’t in my bed kicking me.
Squirrels run around looking for food because they don’t have access to technology and the endless supply of nuts on Twitter.
Medical form: Height?
Me: It depends on whether I’m wearing my hair in a man bun.
Medical form: Sex?
Me: Not since I started wearing my hair in a man bun.
alien: greetings earthlings
me: wow looks like they’ve learned our language
alien: yeet us to yaass queen
me: *pinches nose* ffs
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
The only real certainties are death, taxes, & people who haven’t seen each other in forever, blocking whatever you need in the store.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
You can drink screwdrivers and get hammered while watching Saw and hoping you get nailed. The English language is fun