Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
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i baked you a cake
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
to someone with x-ray vision two people making out look like skeletons that are really bad at eating each other
You haven’t lived until you’ve wrestled an alligator*
*dressed a toddler
I’ve never Met Gala but I heard she’s weird.
Getting out of bed the other night to go pee and the monster grabbed my leg, he said I can’t live like this anymore tell your wife to get rid of all these damn boxes under here.
doctor: there are two wolves inside of you
me: … what does that mean? am i going to die?
doctor: won’t we all, someday?
me: shouldn’t you know?
doctor: *looking at the MRI* my doctorate is in philosophy
Wait a second…
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Not to brag but I used hand soap before it was trending.
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Sieved flour to rule them all
A pinch of salt to grind them
Cup of milk, then mix them all
add an egg to bind them-Lord of the Onion Rings
My monster costume for Halloween’s just going to be whispering, “better hope it’s not the poisoned one,” to kids when I hand out candy.
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
Instructions in the Men’s Room for hand washing. Because non-hand washers can’t be bothered unless there’s an opportunity to learn stuff.
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
Traffic was at a standstill until some guy heroically got out of his car, stared into the distance and threw his hands up in disgust. It started moving after that.
What’s that?
“It’s my pet rock.”
Why does it look sad?
DWAYNE JOHNSON: I’m hungry.
Sleep patterns are fascinating. There’s light sleep, where your heart rate slows; deep sleep, where you can’t easily be wakened; and REM sleep, where you lose your religion.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
I carry a rolled up yoga mat so people think I’m fit but really it’s just a great way to hold 2 footlong meatball subs.
A coworker gave me an invitation to her wedding in case you were wondering why this paper airplane I’m making has lace on it.
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
If you yell “DIE” when killing a spider, it dies faster.
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.