hate when you’re not sure if you shouted OH NO before or after you answered a call to someone you didn’t feel like speaking to
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I love all my family members and wouldn’t sell them at any price.
But just for the sake of conversation, give me a ballpark figure.
Me: You sound like a broken record.
12:
Me: *sigh* You sound like a corrupted digital audio file.
12: Oh. Gotcha. Thanks for translating from ancient Sumerian to English.
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
Ladies, why y’all do this?
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Him: You have such a beautiful soul.
Me: It’s photoshopped.
Me: I’m a scorpion.
Date: You mean scorpio?
Me: (clicking my claws together) No I very do not.
if you’ve ever been worried about pitching something crazy at your job, imagine being the person who suggested taking temperatures rectally
“What? Where?” -owl on some next level shit
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Day 18 of lock down. Filled the dog with helium.
“I’ll catch up with you, I just have to make ONE more joke on Twitter” (How I’d die in a horror movie)
Me if I was a dog
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: *is asleep
Netflix: why are you like this
Before marriage: Kisses
After marriage: Hisses
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
Trying to use the phone’s flashlight to look inside its own charging port.
“Extra cheese”
Extra! Extra! More cheese!!
“No olives”
Breaking! Hold on the olives!
~Ex-Newsie working at Subway
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
I asked my neighbor to watch my dog for a couple of nights, as my neighbor’s a private detective & I think my dog might be having an affair.
My wife shook me awake at 7am on a Sunday “because it’s not raining, and we have a lot to do today”
Holy shit, I married my father
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
ME: stay away from the cat
MY DOG: perhaps this time will be
d i f f e r e n tME: ur gonna get scratched again
MY DOG: [approaching cat anyway] brøther. brøther i crave the ꜰᴏʀʙɪᴅᴅᴇɴ ᴄᴜᴅᴅʟᴇꜱ.
I wonder if Medusa’s husband felt like he was being taken for granite.
Up until 2013, Pizza Hut was the largest buyer of kale in the US
They used it to decorate their salad bar