If anyone breaks in, I take comfort in knowing they’ll never get past the 20 pairs of shoes in the hallway.
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god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
True embarrassment lies within your first email address
impressing strangers by telling them i drive a Nissan Easy Bake Oven
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
I just sent a screen shot of my drunken tweets to my friends & they are still asking if I can come pick them up
me: *walking my dog*
her: ah, what’s he called?
my dog: john
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
She ran her fingers through my hair and pulled hard. I wanted to ask her to do it harder – but probably inappropriate for the hair salon.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Who called it a henhouse attendant …
and not a chicken tender ?
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Dammit Chief not again
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
i’ve seen the new gif of a guy cutting his pasta with scissors like three times today. i am just putting this buster keaton clip out there to show you where he copped it from —
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
My daughter is at that age where she’s starting to get bouquets of flowers from boys. I’m at that age where the next time I get flowers, it will be at my funeral.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
yeah sex is cool but have you ever seen the jerk who went speeding past you pulled over by a cop like one mile down the road
*before marriage
her: watcha thinking?*after marriage
her: wHaT wErE YoU ThInKInG?!
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
James Blunt: you’re beautiful
James Blunter: I’ve seen better
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!