Someone is stealing cats in my area and I hope that the cops catch the purr purr traitor.
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One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
what did president abe lincoln call his journal?
…his lincoln logs
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Them: you look great, have you been losing weight?
Me: idk I haven’t weighed myself in months but I have been eating croissants for breakfast every morning so maybe I just look happier
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me
4-year-old: What’s “saying grace?”
Me: It’s when we thank the one who provided our food.
4-year-old: We thank the microwave?
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
[Starbucks]
“Yes, I’d like a venti skinny soy half-sweet one-pump caramel macchiato half-caff extra whip, please.”
Barista: Is Pepsi ok?
Walking by a jewelry store and admiring diamond earrings:
Friend: Maybe he’ll get you those for Christmas
Me: I’ve been asking for a new potato peeler for the past five years, so I’m guessing that’s a no
All I’m saying is what kind of father would encourage a wayward son to carry on?
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
wife: you can’t give the dog a piña colada
me: why? he’s not driving
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.
Kid 1: I’m bored
Kid 2: me too
Kid 3: our parents gave us horrible names
Instead of cars warning us of stupid things, like the door is open, it should tell us useful things, like there’s a cop hiding in the bushes
[Budapest airport]
IMMIGRATION: So what is your purpose for visiting Hungary?
ME: [holding huge bag of marbles] I wanna see the hippoes.
College: You’re a very bright kid and we’d like to offer you a scholarship.
Ian: I’d prefer a scholarcar.
College: We’d like to withdraw our offer.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
spending weeks telling my gf about the “special night” i have planned for us. then when the night comes she walks in and sees my gaming pc hooked up to the living room tv with wizard of oz blu ray menu open and a torrent called dark_side_moon.flac downloading with 5 hrs remaining
Probably the worst part about being a snail is how you can’t put salt on your French fries.
878 dead bodies lay there.
Liam Nesson “Are we done?”
Police: “Sure, I don’t see any reason why we should arrest you.”
9-1-1 help, someone buried me alive *looks at phone* christ, and there’s no wifi
If Donald Trump becomes President,
The rest of us should be able to just walk into any hospital & start working as doctors