I swear they do that thing where they close a lane of traffic, cut out holes, and then refill them with new concrete just to piss me off
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I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
I guess I didn’t lobby hard enough to make extroduce the word of the year.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
DAD i can’t stay with your wife in same home.. she’s hiding all my snacks.
Quarantine day 6: Went to this restaurant called The Kitchen. You have to gather all the ingredients and make your own meal. I have no clue how this place is still in business.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
when there was one set of footprints in the sand, that was when I tripped and fell but Jesus didn’t see and he kept walking for a little bit
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
*buys two $5 copies of Math For Dummies*
*pays $47.00*
Just saw an advance screening of Age of Ultron. Spoiler alert: he’s 47
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
Cop: freeze sucker
Me: it’s called a popsicle
I call realtors advertising on bus stop benches and ask them the bus schedule.
Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
[introducing a girl to my parents]
“These are the roommates I was telling you about”
Taco Bell is no longer going to be offering kids meals. Probably because kids are rarely drunk enough to want Taco Bell.
friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
any last words?
I’m starving and all I have is a refrigerator full of health food. I hate who I was four days ago.
ME: I guess you could say I’m your stolemate now lol
MY KIDNAPPER: Get out!
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
Pinterest could’ve been an amazing dating site. If the project ideas came with men to do them, there wouldn’t be a single cat lady left.
Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: it’s-a me, Mario!
CHRIS PRATT: it is me, Mario.
DIRECTOR: IT’S-A ME, MARIO!
CHRIS PRATT: IT IS ME, MARIO
DIRECTOR: … better.
A fancy juice bar shut down near my house, and I am terrified of what the next level of gentrification might be. A gastropub/crossbow range? A CBD eye drop salon? A private club for dogs who don’t believe in vaccines?
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
I’m not saying I have a questionable work ethic, but I just got called lazy by a guy wearing velcro shoes.