I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
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*first time fishing*
Me: Ok now what
Friend: See that hook? You’re aiming to get that in the mouth
Me: orkay nrow wrhat
Border Security Idea: Make the door to Mexico too small for sombreros.
A guy in my class stopped me today as I was walking out and said “I gotta show you this girl she’s your literal twin” and then showed me my own Instagram
We keep a potato masher in a drawer because sometimes it’s fun to not be able to open that drawer.
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
How does a cricket know if his joke has bombed?
Laser hair removal? If I had laser hair I’d be using it for evil, believe me.
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Don’t cook with kids if you don’t know how to season them.
My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the warm bread dipped in oil is stronger.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
That second remote is only useful for that one button on it which you push to switch from the first remote to the third remote.
Took our cat to the vet today and, once again, she “forgot” her wallet.
That second sandwich was a mistake.
– me, making a third sandwich
People say sausage dogs are impractical but how many golden retrievers can run a fresh toilet roll under the cubicle door?
In Canada at our Black Friday sales we fight to see who gets to hold the door open for others.
*Girl comes out in a slinky dress*
ME: Ooh that looks like fun
*I push her down the stairs*
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen
#inspiration #foodforthought
“I want to put a baby in you,” I whisper to the microwave over the sound of the infant crying next door.
Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
Yes, I sure did let my 3yo eat a popsicle at 7:53am so that I could drink my coffee in peace. It’s called self-care.
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Judge: I don’t think you understand the gravity of the situation
Me: *floating*
how dare the girl i spent one day with in berlin 2 years ago unfollow me on instagram
WIFE: can you put the baby to sleep
ME: *trying to get the baby in a chokehold* his head’s too small it’s not working