My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
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“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
Me: Do that thing I like.
Husband: Soaks dishes.
They say you should do something every day that scares you so I napped without the little pillow between my knees and now my lower back is terrified.
wife: Did you get the cat out of the tree?
me [bleeding] Wasn’t a cat
My toxic trait is my personality or so I’ve been told.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
I want to make fun of kanye but I’m always losing my shit on the internet too.
It feels mighty hypocritical.
Got this super hard game on my phone called Bank Of America. You only get a power up every 2 weeks? Need cheat codes
“This year sucked, next year will suck too.” Enough negativity, let’s hear something aspirational. In 2024 we will put all tik tok content creators in jail
My son just asked what erectile dysfunction is so I told him it’s when your anaconda don’t want none regardless of the presence of buns.
I’ve always wondered if my toddler liked me or my husband better.
But I just heard her say, “Oh shit, Daddy’s home” so at least I know she’s on my side.
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
Given the American diet, don’t you think we’d have greater success locating missing children if we put their faces on liters of soda?
I’m no mathementientist, but I should probably go to bed because it’s 4AM and I’m making up words again.
Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
My 6yo ate his dinner but apparently that wasn’t enough food because he said “I’m hungry” and I said “I’m daddy” which really wasn’t the answer he was looking for.
gen z: what’s the next generation gonna be called?
scientist: [nervously] ahaha you’re not the last one
gen z: what
scientist: what
Friday night. Gonna put on my dancing shoes, throw on my coolest shirt, and aimlessly browse Netflix for an hour
If you’re with me when I die, remember 2 things:
1) Do Not Resuscitate
2) Smash Phone on Ground
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
I could never be on The Bachelor. I don’t need millions watching me get dumped & cry on tv. It’s bad enough my cat sees that shit everyday.
I *just* got the angel food cake in the oven. It took forever to peel all those angels.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
What I say: it’s time for bed
What my child hears: you have been sentenced to life in prison with no parole
Left my phone in my 1yo’s room during his bedtime and snuck back in to get it. Then, left my phone in my 3yo’s room during her bedtime and snuck back in to get it. I am both winning parenting and losing my mind
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Please stop throwing my only possession.
~dogs everywhere