[pointing to a gravestone]
I’ll have what HE’S having!
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guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Hi, welcome to dating. These are your two options:
1. Stay together forever
2. Break upNo pressure.
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
I bet Ryan Gosling doesn’t even blow his candles out. He probably just winks at them and they faint.
Be romantic. Send her a dozen of red flags 🤨
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
What is it like to be a woman in comedy? I would say it’s 1% jokes & 99% answering this question.
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Whenever I leave a fancy restaurant I tell the people coming in “I recommend the squirrel”.
AM I BEING GASLIT????
[ first date ]
Me. Do you take drugs?
Him. I never touch them.
Me. Perfect. Can I have a urine sample?
I was gonna buy a phone charger at the airport but I didn’t have $7000.
Colleague: Quick, the boss is on her way!
Me: That’s weird I swear that I didn’t hear her broomstick!
Shout out to all you people out there who get asked if you’re okay a lot even though that’s the only facial expression you have.
they say you swallow 8 spiders each year, but what they don’t tell you is that it hits harder if you crush and then snort them
Nobody:
Absolutely no one:
Not a single soul on this Earth:
Not even their mom:
iNfLuEnCeR: “A lot of you have asked about my skin care routine…”
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
I forgot my earphones this morning and for a moment I thought wouldn’t it be great if my audio book had subtitles
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
A friend of mine is allergic to both peanut butter and bees, which he discovered when he bit into the worst sandwich ever.
I’m a cat person. I sleep all day and spend the rest of the time trying to convince my wife I haven’t eaten yet.
This could have been an email.
— me, while attending a wedding ceremony
[scene of car accident]
bystander: is your baby ok
me: no he’s a complete jerk
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I’m a people pleaser, unless you don’t like that. Then I’m not.
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.