*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
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A relationship should be 50/50.
50% man
50% bear
50% pig
Me: [forgetting the word coconut] one hairy bowling ball please
Imagine a world without Queen. We’d have no idea who the champions are
What idiot named them Minions and not Gru-pies
The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
*goes produce shopping*
Wife: Get in line & watch the cart.
Me: OK.
Wife: I’ll be right back.*minds peas & queues*
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
Autocorrect changed honey to homey.
Now, instead of going out to a romantic dinner we will be doing a drive-by.
If I were a manager at Stabucks I would be like, “You showed up latte for work today!” then when the laughing stops, “but no, you’re fired.”
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
[being murdered]
Me: omg barry? from high school?
Barry: no way {stab} dave?
Me: this isn’t cuz of some high school thing is it?
Barry: oh nonono {stabstabstab} you were great. {stab} this is just a thing i do now
Me: k good {still being stabbed} you had me worried for a sec
Hell yes, I would love to get stoned to death. Wait, rocks?! What rocks?
I’m sorry I said yes when you asked if I’m a people person, I thought you said pizza.
Last night my mother-in-law read me all her political retweets.
How was your night?
My hair style can best be described as “Always looks as if I just pulled a sweater over my head.”
Back to Future II is so unrealistic not a single person takes a selfie or gets bullied on the internet
I don’t want to alarm anyone but there’s only 365 shopping days left until Christmas
Piñatas give kids unrealistic expectations of how much candy spills out of a donkey when you split one open
*Runs a bath
Me: ok, jump in
3: it’s too hot
*Adds cold water
Me: Ok, get in
3: it’s too cold
Apparently I gave birth to Goldilocks.
My husband is a mumbler, but that doesn’t stop him from telling me I’m beautiful… I’m pretty sure that’s what he’s saying anyway.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
{concert}
eddie vedder: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the mosh pit waiting for my transition lenses to adjust to indoors) GIMME A SEC, ED
If aliens come I hope they bring us a new animal to eat. I’ve about had it with beef and chicken.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.