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Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
yeah i can totally shred on the guitar do you want romaine lettuce or cheese
Forgot I started my stopwatch. It’s now been 139:27.05 since I wondered how long it takes me to run five miles.
*limbos away from your hug*
My aunt cuts her name & address label from magazines for fear of the legendary “saw your name & address on a magazine label” murderer
[Bunch of 6 year olds knock on my door]
“TRICK OR TREAT!”
You kids are in for a real treat…
*slips each of them a copy of my demo tape*
Went by the house where I grew up. Asked to go in to look around, but they said no and shut the door in my face. My parents can be so rude.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
How would you describe your past work?
[Cut to me picking up coins off sidewalks and taking them to CoinStar]
-Change management.
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
Before you cut the sleeves off your acid wash denim jacket, read the warning label about the associated risks of dying from too much sex.
When I was 22 I’d stay up late and wake up early just so I could fit more in my day
Now if there’s more than 2 things on my agenda I need a nap
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
If someone wants to spend time with you, they’ll let you know. Get rid of those people
Me: Where do you want to eat?
Her: Wherever you pick is fine.
Narrator: Wherever he picked was not fine.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
shampoo has ruined me — lather, rinse, repeat. it never ends. every time i rinse i have to start again. i’ve been in the shower for 9 years
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
It’s romantic to walk someone home, but turns out they like it even better if they actually know you.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Me: *accidentally types url wrong one time*
Navigation Bar: [every day for 15 years] Do you wanna go to Faceboot today? Huh? You wanna visit a boot with a face on it? Huh, you piece of shit? Is that what you wanna do? Moron.
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
Me checking my bank balance online.
multitasking lunch
You can’t get pregnant from sex with a condom, only from sex with a person
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
HER: I’m an animal activist.
ME: [trying to impress] My dog does 100 push-ups a day.
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.