break the monotony of your uber driver’s day by saying “sorry about your car” as you get out
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I just got kicked out of a secret cooking society.
I spilled the beans.
me: SHARK
lifeguard: omg where
me: lol sorry, that’s my dog’s name
*dog appears and drags lifeguard into the ocean*
me: it’s- *over screams* IT’S BECAUSE HE EATS PEOPLE
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
waiter: what would you like to order, sir?
me: a naked salad, please.
waiter: …
me: you know, no dressing.
Yes little lemonade stand girl, I do want change from that twenty dollar bill.
[Titantic sinks]
Jack: wanna share that door so I don’t die?
Rose: [door lock noise]
[first date at a karaoke bar]
Him: you said you had the voice of a siren
Me: I do! [grabbing the mic] Which would you prefer, ambulance or police?
“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal.” – A man who owned other men.
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
”Hey, you like water? yes? well I can turn it into wine.” -Jesus flirting in a bar
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Marriage is like Disneyland. Magical at first but then you realize that there’s someone else in the Mickey suit.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
Break bad news to teens by talking on THEIR level.
ME [spinning on chair in daughter’s room]: Yo, turns out grandma’s heart is weak af.
Wow so when an ostrich buries head in the sand, it’s alright; but when I do it, I’m arrested for trying to get rid of a murder victim’s body.
Is it because I’m brown??
I need better friends
Give a man a fish and he’ll see if there are microwave instructions on the side.
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
Coffee is ready.
[Bed]
Her: Can you turn off the lights?Me: Watch this! *claps loudly*
Her: um your clapper isn’t wor-
*my monkey butler hurries in & turns off the light*
Her *softly* holy shit
But is it really??
Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will