What if all the cashiers are married?
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THEM: I have a story about that person. Someday when I’m drunk enough, I’ll tell you.
ME: [pulls bottle of wine from purse] Let’s do this.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Why are books the only thing advertised as “Wherever books are sold.” You can’t sell other stuff by saying “Wherever you get this shit, IDK”
How are they committing internet crimes from the space station when I can’t get a decent signal in my kitchen.
The most dangerous types of canoes are volcanoes.
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
I wonder if serial killers ever leave their knives on the edge of the sink in case they may want to commit two murders.
Me: So ducks quack, owls hoot, crows caw…what do you do?
Penguin: I’m a tax attorney.
Me: Ah. That explains the briefcase.
My husband booked a hotel room for Valentine’s day. It was wonderful. I had the whole house to myself!
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Someone in Australia please tell me how my hair cut turns out tomorrow.
Stop earbuds from tangling by putting them on then carefully stapling them to your body.
Who’s ready for music?
Not you.
You have tetanus
I want to open a restaurant for divorcees but I can’t think of what to name it other than fed ex
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
4 in 3 people have syphilis. Look to your left. Look to your right. One of you has syphilis twice.
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
Does France have Mcdonald’s? Because it wouldn’t be fair if we were the only ones dying.
Question. How much fire is too much fire for your house to be on.
4: Mommy, I need a snack
Me: Perfect timing! I was just going to make you a hot dog for dinner!
4: No. I don’t want dinner. I want a snackkkkk.
Me: How about a hot dog as a snack?
4:…. YESSSS
If the Christians published the Kama Sutra it would have been one page long.
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
Got my ponytail stuck in the paper shredder again.
*cancels haircut appt*
my husband’s quarantine amazon cart: – fruit and vegetable seeds
– toilet paper
– educational toys for the kidsmy quarantine amazon cart:
– four (4) horse masks
– a theatrical quality replica of elsa’s dress from frozen 2
– a lifesize cardboard cutout of richard madden
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
Me: You can say coffee mug or coffee cup and both are acceptable but if you say tea mug people get all weird
English friend: If you say tea mug again I won’t be responsible for my actions
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell