Falling asleep at work didn’t get me in trouble. Falling asleep at work and snoring got me in trouble.
You Might Also Like
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don’t come to work 🙁
I just opened a marketing email from Fitness magazine and my computer died laughing.
My therapist says “being eaten by a bear” is not a “goal”.
If we could harness the fake enthusiasm put towards wishing people a happy birthday on Facebook, we could power half the planet.
Woman in grocery line: oh are you buying rice and beans for Coronavirus?
Me: No, I’m buying rice and beans because I’m Mexican.
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
What kind of emotional tailspin causes people to “like” Lysol on Facebook?
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
You can’t swing a dead cat without hitting someone crazy here!
Of course, if you’re swinging a dead cat you probably shouldn’t be so judgy.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If Shakespeare were being born today, he’d be “Shaxxespyr.”
Some of y’all tweet about Mondays like it caught you by surprise
[meeting at the headquarters of literally any app]
good morning everyone, let’s get started. the first and only item on our agenda is, how do we make this app worse
[bar]
DOG: Pour me a double. This day can’t get any worse…
CAT BARTENDER: [slowly pushes drink off the bar]
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
My husband will prove that he knows all the lines of a movie by saying them before the character in the movie says them, but when I do it while watching a murder documentary it’s creepy.
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
all that yoga finally paid off
my google searches after a couple nephews came over for lunch
– when did competitive farting become a thing
– can humans or dogs die from fart clouds
– bean-free chili recipes
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
[around campfire]
ME: *grabs guitar* Hey kids how about a song?
KIDS: Yeah!
ME: ok *clears throat* LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR LET THE BODI
Apparently banging the hell out of this remote doesn’t seem to be recharging these dead batteries.
I’m the dog whisperer. I’ll whisper the word “dog” 20.. hell, 30 times if the price is right
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
Bought the ‘Sounds of the Rainforest’ cd, not as relaxing as I hoped. The 1st half was birds chirping, rest was chainsaws and bulldozers