*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
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Daughter: Mom, it happened! He DMed me as soon as I followed him!
Mom: Oh honey!! I’ll call the florist and book the church for a fall wedding!!
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
“Would you rather marry your ex or spend a year in jail?”
Me: Only 12 months to go
A family that plays together cheats.
Today I opened the door to the supply room and four Japanese guys jumped out and yelled “supplies!”
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
I’m putting together a team
Don’t act like you miss sex now, you weren’t getting laid before either.
Valentine’s Day is a stupid and made up holiday unless someone wants to give me a present in which case I really believe in celebrating it
don’t give me a cake pop unless it comes with a map that leads me to the rest of the cake, you piece of shit
Algebra,trignometry, and calculus are responsible for more doctors than the actual love for the profession.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
The year is 2482.
The human population has been decimated.
Machines have taken over Earth.
A new season of Grey’s Anatomy starts.
i’m a Leo which means i won’t win an Oscar for several more years
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
Dear people up north: Your weather is down here drunk in my front yard. Please come get it.
I just finished a 5 year relationship. Luckily it wasn’t mine.
My girlfriend just got the definition of mansplaining wrong and now I don’t know what to do.
count to ten before showing someone that “funny” video
If you love something set it free then immediately tackle it by the legs.
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I’ve been tripping all day.
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night