“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
You Might Also Like
I see my dentist every six months to make sure my records are up to date for body identification.
I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
Fun typo: “You ate the most important thing in my life.”
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
My 6-year-old the first two min of every morning on spring break:
A shark is a predator with little fish but is it still a predator with a mosasaurus because a mosasaurus can eat it? What about a prognathadon & a titanoboa? A hyena? Is Thanos a predator? Can Thanos eat sharks or
cw: (hanging up the phone) never get married.
me: why?
cw: that was my husband. he called to tell me about the gold panning kit he just bought on amazon.
“Oh man, that thing looks irritated”
– me, pulling into the airport parking lot and seeing my mother-in-law waiting on the curb
Janitor (pulling a dead cat out of Hadron Collider) Here’s your problem right here.
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Why does lipgloss last 43 minutes on my lips but 17 years on my coffee mug?
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Guys, I’m officially having sex tonight so please don’t disturb me between 9.30 and 9.31
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
I dropped my iPhone under the bed once so I get it, moms that lift cars off their babies, I get it.
MOST TIMES: i know all of the lyrics to this song and could sing it in my sleep
DURING KARAOKE: i don’t remember a single word, may have even forgotten about the very concept of music
Congratulations to everyone who woke up with all of their fingers and toes.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Hey, Lady Gaga. I know your fan base would probably revolt, but can you please hire the Goo Goo Dolls as your opening act so you can call it the Goo Goo Gaga Tour? Thanks in advance for your consideration.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
DENTIST: I need to test how sensitive you are
ME: Ok
DENTIST: You have a stupid haircut
ME *lip starts trembling*
DENTIST: I see
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
Parenting experts suggest allowing children to try, even if they fail, so they can learn and grow.
But my mother-in-law’s son is 45 and I’m growing impatient.
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
my body: please…eat a vegetable
me: fine
my body: that’s not fried