If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
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The Pillsbury Doughboy and Little Debbie walk into a bar.
Bartender: I see bread people.
♫ Hey there Delilah, for your word spell Mississippi
“May I have the definition?”
The state siblings can get frisky ♪
and cousins toooo ♫
When ever a girl wears a shirt saying ‘I Woke Up Like This’ I resist the urge to say I’m sorry about that.
If you’re happy and you know it… wash your hands.
Is being in two bands cool? Depends. If you’re a high schooler: yes. If you’re a lobster: no.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
My kid put her little stethoscope to my stomach and told me I was “full of bees,” and now I’m stressed because I’m pretty confident my insurance won’t cover this.
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
“and how does that make you feel?”
Me: I’ll see you in court, Counselor!
Her: Sir, I just asked if you want your Happy Meal to go.
Me: You can’t handle the truth!
My mother-in-law came over and made me dinner, and now I’m wondering if I should have married her instead.
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
GET OVER HERE thunders across the bar as a harpooned rope impales a beautiful girl. The bartender smiles and shakes his head at Scorpion.
have you guys heard of the butterfly effect, it’s when a small entity can have a nonlinear impact on an entire system, occasionally with severe consequences, like that time Rebecca Jones called me a “doodoo face” in 4th grade, then Chernobyl happened
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Power went out in my office building & a maintenance guy said Transformers blew. Um yeah it was a bad movie buddy now what about the power??
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
My son just called his mom an “interrupting chicken” so I’m real keen to see how this plays out
I don’t clap when the plane lands but I would boo if it crashed
14: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘You kids! Heck, when I was your age I’d be outside and-‘
14: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
Shah Jahan built the Taj Mahal as a tribute to his wife but sure, the book shelf looks great.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
I just want a girl that’s nice and sweet that doesn’t require a lot of money and I can dunk them in milk wait, a cookie, I want a cookie
6yo: *sprays perfume on brother’s head*
4yo: it’s ok, I like it
me:
4yo: except for the smell
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
If I walk to McDonald’s and back, the strawberry shake doesn’t count, right?
[calls my sister while babysitting her kids] are they allowed to smoke inside
HER: what’s your sign?
ME: i’m an asparagus
HER: you mean aquarius
ME: omg whatever, you’re such a caprisun