Solving a traffic jam
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Tired of rap songs starting with MC going “uhuh uhuh…One two one two…Let’s do this…” No. You shoulda been ready when the song started.
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I invited a couple to a party that she’s planning without telling her.
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
When someone under 130 lbs calls themselves fat we should legally be allowed to eat them
“Arise! Arise! Foul creatures, I command that you arise! ARISE!”
“Dad, just once, couldn’t you let mom or the alarm clock wake us?”
“ARISE!”
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
Sorry I threw sliced bread at you when you were taking a duck face selfie
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
I saw a car with “Wash Me” written on it, so I set it on fire. I’ll be damned if I’m going to allow cars to become sentient!
If you ever think you can solve a parenting problem by doing the opposite of what didn’t work last time the universe will just be like lol nice try dummy
Sorry I called you an imbecile.
I should’ve realized I would have to explain to you what that means.
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
we’re going out of town in a week if anyone can watch the dinosaurs for us
If someone invites you to their large country house with lands, say thanks.
Because manors.
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
Twitter :
Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
Dogs reunited with family: OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD! I MISSED YOU SO MUCH!
Cats reunited with family: I see you peasants are still alive. Feeding me wouldn’t displease me I guess.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
my only concern about UFOs is if they’re staying they should be paying their fair share in taxes.
[First date stroll in the park]
Me: So you work at the planetarium?
Date: Yeah.
Me: Thats so cool *points to the sky* What’s that constellation called?
Date: The sun.
[Enters baby room late at night]
*flicks switch*
[baby’s got a raccoon in a headlock]
“What the-”
DAD CLOSE THE DOOR THIS PUNK OWES ME MONEY
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
My 1yo recently learned how to say “Hiiiii!” Except she pronounces it with a “D.” So every morning when I get her up the first thing she says to me in her sweet little voice: “Dieeeeee.”
therapist: you are your own worst enemy
me: undefeated baby