I could never argue with evolution. No telling how many situations have had me ready to throw my own shit.
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I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
cashier: whoa 58 boxes of Mac and Cheese, having a party tonight?
me:
Cashier:
me:
Cashier:
me: sure
Just Googled my symptoms. Turns out I’m alive
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
When God closes a door, he opens a window. Our heating bill is outrageous & six raccoons got in last night. Please God, this has to stop.
Her: Did you find the restroom?
Me: Yes. Now we can do some doody free shopping LOL
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
The human body is made up of 80% water, therefore, I’m not fat; I’m flooded
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
If we dated before I turned 18 you’re not my ex. You’re my childhood friend.
Having a boyfriend is so awesome like there’s just a guy in ur house whose job it is to know where countries are and what exactly Watergate was
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Someone suggested that I try Acupuncture. I don’t think adding more pricks will make a difference.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
Mhm.
Sometimes, when I’m washing my hair with coconut shampoo, I close my eyes and picture being on a remote tropical island, being cooked in a giant pot by canibals.
What’s the loudest pet?
A trumpet.
#PetDay
Cigarettes only give you cancer if you let them. It’s called science. Maybe you’d know more about it if you read as many Yahoo Answers as me
That first coffee be like oh you’re awake HA just kidding.
Something touched my leg while in the ocean and apparently I can walk on water now
My daughter has written a homage to the chicken kebab. I am delighted. I wonder how my vegetarian husband feels about this..
friend: what’s the difference between ignorance and indifference?
me: I don’t know and I don’t care
[My wedding]
Priest: We really do need your hand in order to exchange rings.
Me: But my dress has pockets!
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I had no idea we were millionaires until I just saw my husband casually rip off 3 or 4 paper towels at once.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
I refuse to use the self-checkout isle at a store. What I will do is occasionally post up at the exit and ask to check shoppers receipts. If I’m gonna work at your store for free, I’m picking my own position.