me: another one, make it a double
hot dog vendor: how
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CASHIER: One ultrathin lubricated condom. That’ll be $3.25
DUCK: Can you put it on my bill?
CASHIER: That’s not where it goes, silly
Turned on the telly and there’s all the Kings horses and all the Kings men, so I assume they’re on their way to some egg related emergency.
Not today.. 😂
*sees a newborn baby*
One day, someone will write mean things about you on the Internet
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
Doctor: you’ve got-
Me: [cigarette in mouth] lung cancer?
Doctor: nope, diabetes
Me: huh [finishes eating candy cigarette] weird
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
My online therapist says you can’t live your life in fear….He also sells shampoo.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Did my cat write this
Not to brag, but according to my husband I can help with any home improvement project by getting the hell out of the way.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
The only spanish I know is from the song Feliz Navidad, so these last few days have been my time to shine.
Me: how long are you gonna sit there picking your nose? I tried to be polite but this is absurd
Potato Head: I want to look good on my date
Oh, you want me to join you at your family’s cabin? Should I tie myself up and climb into your trunk too?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
“My grammar is terrible,” I said untruthfully, as I lied on the bed.
Why do bad things happen to good people? To even out the good things that happen to bad people.
Wife: I had to retire a pair of undies and the next one in the rotation was white,
I hate white pantiesMe: well, that’s the last time they’ll be white, so…
Does anyone want to help me try to find my last 2 molars?
They’re either under the fridge or I swallowed them
[Ouija board in Starbucks]
“Speak to me spirits”
O M G H A V E U S E E N W H A T K R I S T Y I S W E A R I N G
G R O S S
Piss me off in the grocery store and I’ll get in front of you in the checkout line and pay for a single tomato with a personal check.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Inflation has drastically altered what it means to say “I just ate $25 worth of Taco Bell”
My 2yo was running an ice cream parlor out of his bedroom. I ordered chocolate but he insisted I get strawberry. After I paid he snatched the ice cream back and then ate it, not once breaking eye contact.
He’s going to be a terrible business owner.
But an incredible mob boss.
I’d totally shake what my momma gave me but abandonment issues aren’t really a tangible physical manifestation…..
MURDERER: *chasing me* YOU’RE GOING TO DIE!
ME: *yelling behind me* WE ALL ARE!