[Snow White sees her doctor]
Snow White: How bad is it, Doctor?
Doc: Damn it I told you I’m a mine worker not a doctor. It’s my name, idiot
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Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If you can’t handle me at what you have mistakenly assumed is my worst, then prepare to be unpleasantly surprised in the immediate future.
Walked into the bathroom and it sounded like someone was powerlifting in one of the stalls. That, or an exorcism.
her: take off my bra
me: ok
her: take off my panties
me: wow ok
her: stop wearing my clothes
You may find my attraction to Goofy weird, but I don’t give a hyuck.
Look I wanna be friendly, but you have to introduce yourself to me 3-5 times in the wild
Dawn’s coming over.
“Dawn from work, or crazy Dawn?”
*Dawn walks in* “WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady I’m framing for murder.
Im telling you. If you turn around for even one second, your toddler will take a swig of your wine.
they should make living room pits with couches in them again. you’re walking. not paying attention. you fall. now you’re chilling. no embarrassment just leisure.
so tell me….is there a mama ghanoush?
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
how to have fun when you’re poor
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am
“It’s five o’clock somewhere” I say as I leave work at 9am
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
When Americans say Math instead of Maths I find it so damn exy
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
First base: drinks
Second base: hooking up
Third base: consistently hanging out for over 3 months and refusing to call it a relationship because both of you are terrified of commitment and communication
My husband pissed me off so I poured a quart of oil under the hood of his truck. That should keep him busy.
I bet that at some point in history a baby ate a dingo.
Publix cake decorators should get $50/hr
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Boss: ok you’ve made some big sales, but can you do more?
Me: <makes bigg sale>
My dentist asked me if I had a problem with my gums bleeding. You’d have to be really laid back to not have a problem with that.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
When you hire me, I should be able to make HR click an “I agree to the terms and conditions” button like installing software updates. A month later, they ask why I didn’t show up to work on Monday and I laugh and say “Looks like somebody didn’t read page 147.”
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.