One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
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My 4-year-old was crying when his favorite pair of pants no longer fit him and I was like, “Dude, I get it. I totally get it.”
Ain’t gonna lie. Growing up, I thought Bermuda triangle is gonna be a bigger problem than it turned out to be.
I had a sex dream about my wife last night…except her hair was black instead of blonde…and she looked a lot like my hot neighbor Karen.
Therapist: Your relationships are unhealthy
Me: I have a healthy relationship with denial
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
“What have you always wanted to try in bed?”
Getting a good nights sleep
Alan Rickman lost in the woods, leaving a trail of perfectly pronounced words
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
Clearly I have no shame but thanks for asking. You must be new here.
I just ate an oatmeal raisin cookie so my kid didn’t have to.
He will be reminded of this sacrifice for many decades.
“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.
There is never a wrong time to tell someone you love them
except maybe during their wedding to someone else or during a mountain rescue attempt where they really need to focus.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
Tremendous stuff
God *creates a worm* hello little buddy!
Worm: Thanks for the “worm” welcome haha
God *creates birds*
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
ME: *walks by to put anything away*
WIFE: [not even looking up from her phone] that doesn’t go there
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
there’s no law that your resolutions need to be positive; you can resolve to become a lot worse
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
Child: I’m scared.
Me: What? Why?
Child: I heard a cat screaming outside my window.
Me: It’s okay. Sometimes they do that when they are in heat.
Child: What does that mean?
Me:
Child:
Me: Well, when-
Wife [running in from other room]: IT’S WHEN THE CAT IS REALLY HOT
Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.
Coffee beans are grinding. Even they get more action than I do
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.