Friend: Can you give me a ride?
Me: I’ll give your MOM a ride!
[Later]
Me: So Mrs. Tromlhorn, anywhere else besides the dentist?
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dinosaur: how’d you die
human: stupid
Life is a constant balancing act between wondering why you weren’t invited to something and wondering how to get out of it.
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
Her: No filter!
Me: Add one tho
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
I ruined our romantic honeymoon to Venice by pronouncing canal wrong the whole time. You know how. You get it. I grow weary of this website
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
Spent the day at the zoo watching animal parents sleeping. Currently building a cage around my house.
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Flight attendant: Is anyone on board a doctor?
Me: No, I’m on board a plane haha
Man having a heart attack: ok I’m ready to die now
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
Please stop adding touchscreens to cars most of these idiots can barely drive as it is
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
2019 – Go home, you’re drunk.
2020 – Get drunk, you’re home.
Never let kids google names of Pokémon characters unsupervised, Squirtle in particular
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Dr. says I have an enlarged heart thanks doc I already know I’m super nice just trying to figure out why I can’t breathe when I eat chips
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
Legend has it if u whisper IKEA 3x in the mirror an extra screw will appear & you’ll be haunted by the piece of furniture you ill-assembled.
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
My tombstone will probably read
“Of all the dumb things she did, this is the one that got her!?”