Cat scientists are hard at work trying to solve the mystery of why humans usually walk across an entire room without abruptly deciding to lie on the floor.
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I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
The devil whispered to me, “I’m coming for you.”
I whispered back, “bring pizza”
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal
what strings did peacocks pull to be allowed to just vibe around the zoo?
Meteorologist: According to our facts, we’ll have a longer winter-
People: LET THE GROUNDHOG DECIDE
Meterologist: But science
People: NO
I was mowing the lawn, hit a small rock and it went flying and hit something to the side of me, I looked over and the neighbor’s car had a small dent, I was going to go tell him but then I thought no I better not, he may think I did it.
Billy Idol: Dancing With Myself
Billy Idle: Sitting With Myself
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women
7-ELEVEN CUSTOMER: Ew! This slurpee machine is full of weird dirt!
MANAGER: Weird dirt? But that means…
*cut to Dracula flailing around in a coffin filled with blue berry blast*
Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
Joseph: 3 minutes BC
Mary: Aaarghhhhhh
Joseph: 2 minutes BC
Mary: STOP DOING THAAARGGHHH THE BABY’S COMING!
Joseph: 1 minute BC
Mary: JESUS CHRIST
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
I haven’t vacuumed since two thousand and twitter.
The overwhelming urge to stick my finger in queso every time I see some is why I could never work at a Mexican restaurant.
Me: 🎵 mama
My Mom: hi son
Me: 🎵 just killed a man
My Mom: new phone who dis
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
The booster protects against what, now?
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
Picture a fox. Wrong. They are smaller than that.
Duck typos.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
me: *chopping onions*
wife: shouldn’t you use a knife?
me: i took karate lessons for a reason, linda
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?