These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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All I have ever wanted from a yogurt is to know who the cows are.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
If you know a girl who uses metric I’d love to meter.
Me: *leaves body to science*
Science: *starts crying*
i would like to meet the marketing/branding team that goes to work every morning, satisfied that this is the logo that represents their business
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
I rolled up my yoga mat absolutely perfectly and if you think I’ll mess that up by working out, then you’re out of your mind.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
Quadruple digit IQ
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
being an adult is just complaining how tired you are and then staying up till 3am reading r/aita
sexyaardvark69 [username taken]
sexywombat69 [username taken]
sexyplatypus69 [username taken]sorry this might take a while…
My sex moves can best be described as trapped with an angry cat on a punctured water bed
“Next time can you make something I like?”
*my kid leaving a review about his school lunch
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
The prince in Cinderella wasted 0 time suggesting he inspect the feet of every woman in his kingdom
Before you tell a woman her makeup is askew, be sure she’s actually wearing makeup.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
[gathers around casket and see’s it’s full of gatorade] uh oh, then that means
[grandma’s body is being dumped over the winning coach]
Gravestone: If you’re reading this I am dead.
The iPhone 6 looks pretty cool, but it still lets people leave voicemails, so they apparently haven’t worked out all the bugs yet.
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
getting the worlds most powerful noise cancelling headphones so i can go to concerts and listen to the studio version of whichever song theyre playing currently
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats