Hot guy just walked up to me and said I was pretty so naturally I pulled out a Sharpie and drew a star on his forehead.
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Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
“U can legally stab someone if u suspect they’re a Gary.”
-no you can’t
*pulling knife from sheath*
“Sounds like somthin a Gary would say”
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
its prettey gutsy that u call urself a salad, potato salad
Me: could you pass me the Washington Shire sauce
Her: the what?
Me: the Westminster Shore sauce
Her: are you having a stroke?
Me: the Warcaster Shiner sauce
Her: hello, 911? I need an ambulance-
Me: the Willmington Scone sauce
Her: please, it’s getting worse
Me: the Wank-
mental health is a lot like normal health in video games, where if your meter goes down you can just eat a can of baked beans to get it back up. you can get more mental health with the beans
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
I want to see a movie about “Bottom Gun,” the worst pilots in the Navy.
this makes me so uncomfortable
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
5yo: I want a snack.
M: You can have a yogurt smoothie.
5: I NEED CHOICES!
M: Ok. You can have a yogurt smoothie or you can have nothing.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
If you’re feeling butterflies in your stomach, go make yourself a sandwich. It’s called being hungry.
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
Million Dollar Idea ~ A bathroom mirror that takes pictures.
Since getting the new iPhone with fingerprint unlock technology I’ve never worried so much about losing my thumb.
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
Martin Shkreli in jail: “Can I have an aspirin?”
Jail: “Yes. That will be $197,000.”
Crows are like if a witch decided “I’m a bird now, too”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
I’d like to be alone now please sign out.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you