If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
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Him: You got Tik Tok?
Me: No, but I have some Altoids. Want some?
Him: …
Me: *rattles can in front of him*
It’s weird they report fantasy football during Sports Center. That’s like the local news telling us how your SimCity is doing.
me: my wife and I aren’t talking to each other
mime teacher: *thumbs up*
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
My god, horses chased me for 5 minutes.
Most terrifying carousel ride ever.
My 5 year plan is to get an amp for my bass. That fish sure does love his energy drinks
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
I have started going to a psychiatrist about my belief that I’m an owl and I haven’t looked back since.
Sorry I turned my welcome mat the other way when you came over.
So Jamie and Cersei could have lived if they moved a little to the left?
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
Playing dead in the supermarket to avoid having a conversation with someone you know attracts more attention than I anticipated…go figure.
I’m not fat. I prefer to think of myself as difficult to abduct and hard to conceal.
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
Reasons I visit a TL:
1. You’re a genius
2. You’re far from a genius
3. I like you
4. I know you hate me and want you to know I know
Cool prank:
Dig up 200 earthworms. I will tell you about the rest of the prank later
Vampire: I asked for stew and this is broth.
Waitress *lets out bloodcurdling scream*
Vampire: Thank you.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Growing up, Sesame Street taught me the importance of education, empathy, and kindness.
Bugs Bunny, on the other hand, taught me that revenge on my enemies should be quick, clever, and brutal.
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I’d date me.
But mainly because I put out.
When someone tells you “you don’t even know the half of it,” like it or not you’re about to hear the whole of it.
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.