JOB REQUIREMENTS: Must have a college degree. Must have 5 years experience. Must have volunteered as tribute and won the 74th Hunger Games.
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The only reason I’d want to go to heaven is to complain to the manager.
Curious that it’s always a female computer voice that calmly announces self-destruct sequences and other violent disasters.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
wife: maybe you should start working out again
me: [literally sweating from trying to open a can of pringles] why
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
Marriage, Year one: I love watching you shave. You’re so cute!
Marriage, year ten: You leave whiskers in that sink one more time and I’ll drown you in it
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
I like my men like I like my books; easy to read and waiting for me in bed. … And does the dishes. Ok this isn’t working
me: i need answers
smashmouth guy: please i have a family
me: [tasing him again] who told you?
smashmouth guy: aaagh
me: who? [pulling his face close to mine] who told you the world was gonna roll me
smashmouth guy: it was *sobsob* SOMEBODY
I did my first abdominal exercise since my 4 abdominal surgeries and I can say with absolute certainty that my abs are cake.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
I find it very upsetting that dragon fruit has such a cool name, looks so exotic, and then tastes like a diabolical farmer crossed a kiwi with a potato.
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
im 7 sauces long
Boss: You’ve been chosen to take a random drug test.
Me: Very cool. So which one am I testing?
I got attacked by a cat with no claws today. Reminded me of getting mugged by a canadian…
*driving away from a heist*
guys seriously put your seatbelts on it’s just gonna keep beeping
Every time I see people kiss goodbye as they get out of a car, I think how lucky I am that I didn’t get that Uber driver.
Got suspended from Instagram for going on everyone’s food pics and posting the calories.
I want an olive garden waiter shredding cheese over my corpse at my funeral and nobody say when
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
I can’t believe I gave up my best sleeping years to raise children.
584.
I don’t call myself pesky for nothing
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
Him: Baby imma call you back, im in the middle of a shootout.
Her: Yea w.e, tell that bitch I said she can have you.
My husband says he doesn’t know when it became his job to make the coffee.
I don’t know when it became his job either, but I’m glad he agrees it’s his job.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.