my dad: in the end. i hope people don’t even notice i was here
me: i hate camping too
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One day my neighbors will tell a news crew, “She was nice except she barked for an hour every night at midnight.”
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
Me: *seeing a used condom on my lawn* This is disgusting!
Neighbor: OMG STOP TASTING IT
BRUTUS: hail Caesar *draws knife*
CEASAR: not this time *hands Brutus an Uno “reverse” card*
B: SHIT
ROMAN SENATE:*stabs Brutus to death*
penguins mate for life, which is why you never see one smiling
Me: “Bless me father, it’s been 13,505 days since my last confession.”
Priest: “You’re off to a bad start.”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
Jesus: I can never tell if people are addressing me or taking my name in vain
Mary: Jesus stop complaining
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
I made the mistake of telling my kids “effort is all that matters” and now they tell me that every time I cook
America is the greatest country on earth at thinking it’s the greatest country on earth.
Welcome to The News. Tonight’s top story: you know that thing you love? It’s terrible and you’re terrible. Thanks,
Facebook-
You: Going to a concert tonight!
Friend: Sweet, what concert?
Aunt: WHAT IS ITUNEZ?????? HOW IS YOUR DAD????? I LOVE YOU XOXOXO
My neighbor bought a fancy ride-on mower for a quarter-acre backyard. That’s like buying a motorcycle you only ride to the mailbox.
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people
The Bible Belt – the land where you pretend not to recognize each other in the liquor store.
Do you think Mr. Peanut had a normal first name, like Jim, or do you think it was like roasted or whatever?
Prison guard: don’t flip the switch yet, let’s hear him out
Welcome to marriage. He had a dream I made salmon pot roast and woke me up just to tell me how terrible it was.
wife: [steps out of time machine] my god you’ve aged horribly
me: u didn’t even turn it on
I’m watching a documentary about show chickens and I think I found my people.
[blind date gets in car]
Okay, I wanna have dinner early so we can go to Petco & watch ’em feed the snakes. Unless you wanna do Petco first.
Walking into an eye doctors office 5 minutes after the eclipse and going “I know. I know”
Sometimes I cross things off my to-do list that I haven’t done.
To remind myself that I control the list.
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
*nose hairs growing out of control
*buys tiny scissors
*jam them in the eyes of whoever I catch staring at my nose hairs
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
[visiting hours at prison]
BEAR WIFE: How are you coping?
BEAR: I miss the woods.
BW: The tranquility?
BEAR: No, I really need a shit.