Sometimes the voices in my head get bullied by the voices in my stomach.
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When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
8yo: Is it okay if Dylan comes over?
Me: Is he the one with the PS4?
8: Yes.
Me: And motorized scooter?
8: Yes.
Me: And trampoline?
8: Can you drive me to his house?
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
ME: [plucking chicken] Who lets their eyebrows get this bad?
The problem with the exclamation point & question mark being side by side on a keyboard:
I’m so sorry your grandma died?
I love you?
Commercial for elbows:
A frustrated man steers his car with totally straight arms. “Why did I go with the cheap arms?!”
Narrator: “Elbows”
DOCTOR: You only got one body. You should take care of it.
ME: If I only got one body, I should probably use it up. Really run it ragged.
DOCTOR: …
ME: Get my money’s worth.
Me: “Time to go to sleep.”
My Brain: “I see you’re trying to sleep, can I offer a selection of your worst memories?”
*alien probing me
Me: Ok a little to the left
Alien: I SAID STOP THAT
Look, if I have to stop to explain the reasoning behind everything I do, I’ll never get anything done, so could you please just let me finish the construction of this banana cannon
CAMEL 1: Hey can u hold this for me for one sec?
CAMEL 2: I would but I kinda have a lot on my back right now..
CAMEL 1: It’s one straw Marvin don’t be like that
20s wristband:
After hours club.50s wristband:
Colonoscopy at the hospital.
ME: *falls into gorilla enclosure*
GORILLA: [in sign language] I have a boyfriend.
I went to nearby motivational speaker session
Was disappointed
There were no speaker
Just humans
Can you believe it
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
The Never Ending Story should’ve been a movie about a phone call from my Mother
I had no intention of viewing your webinar until you used “and more” as a bullet point in your email and seduced me with the allure of intrigue and mystery
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Chess is my favourite game but I don’t play favourites
does anyone know how to use nunchucks, I got a pair for xmas and I’ve just been swinging em around real fa
A great white shark is just a normal shark with khakis and a high credit score.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
I failed at chemistry in high school…
And finally started dating in college.
A telemarketer called and said,”can I speak with the man of the house.” I replied, “sure” and gave the phone to the cat.
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
ME, 10: I want a big mansion
ME, 20: I want a cool apartment
ME, 30: I want a small hut that stands on chicken legs & has been hidden away deep in the forest
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
[first date]
Me: Do you prefer awkward silence or awkward conversation?
Her:
Me: Yeah, good choice.