Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
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[After first teeth cleaning since lockdown]
Okay. Weigh me now
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
I’m done with dating sites and am now only focusing on Chinese food delivery people. They have a job, a car, and most importantly eggrolls.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
FACT: Uma Thurman is the only person to ever have been named by someone with a mouthful of food.
Not sure if “life hack” exactly, but I fell down the stairs and now my whole family is being so nice and catering to my needs
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Not one single dinosaur in Oppenheimer.
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Does anybody know what day Easter falls on this year?
“Bro I hate my eyebrows”
“You serious bro?”
“I think they’re too big, bro”
“Bro, with your face shape, they perfectly frame your eyes. I would kill for your brows, bro”
“Bro :’)”
me: I heard you guys have a rule that kids don’t get a peppermint after the meal if they don’t eat their vegetables–is that true?
waiter: ah, nah, we bring them out either way
kids: YAAAAY!!!
me: thanks, bro
Playing car dealership with my son, we rearranged the lot.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
Roommate: So how was the party?
Me: Good! A lot of cool people came up and started talking to me
[flashback to party]
Cool Person: Are you in line for the bathroom?
Me: Yeah
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Me: I’m here for my photoshoot
X-ray technician: Please stop calling it that
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵