What is this alien looking thing in a wig trying to sing?
Oh wait thats Nicki Minaj.
Why would an alien in a wig pick Nicki Minaj as a name?
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me: [having a normal conversation but also wondering if bees consider us thieves or business associates]
Let’s all just take a moment to appreciate the dedicated men and women of this great nation who sacrifice their evenings to deliver pizzas.
I got everyone a pet snake for Christmas but you have to catch it, they’re in my house, they’re everywhere, please come get your snake.
It’s not too spicy I just don’t think I like the flavor.
-Rival Dads when something is definitely too spicy for them.
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
My eyelashes are like windshield wipers on my sunglasses.
oh sorry i cant im busy that day
At conference w/ teacher
Me:…what’s wrong with how 7yo spells states?
Teacher:(to 7yo) spell Ohio
7yo: Ohio, O-H-I-O, Ohio
Teacher: good, now spell Oklahoma
7yo: (sings) Oklahoma, O-K-L-A-H-O-M-A, Oklahoooooooma, YEAH!
Teacher:
Me: what? That’s how I learned it
#Dadlife
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
roman: how will we know which one is jesus
judas: imma kiss him
roman: why
judas: *applying lip gloss* lol i know right
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
Alright! Everyone that got a DM containing a map to my treehouse, meet there in 15 mins. Those who didn’t, maybe consider being nicer to me.
Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
Your salary is just your company’s monthly subscription of you
All I’m saying is if I was murdered there’d be a lot of suspects
no one:
contestants on every singing show: hi my life is really sad
crazy that a bridge collapsed. i better check twitter, esteemed symposium for civil engineers and nautical navigators
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
I like my women like I like my glasses: thick, transparent, and uneven
There’s no graceful way to shove a chocolate truffle in your mouth during an important Zoom meeting.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO