awkward
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Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
There better be a martial arts tournament in Australia called Mortal Wombat
[First Date]
Me: Mom said be wary of a full moon.
Moon: That’s no excuse for eating my food.
ME: *doing crossword* What’s another word for upside-down?
WIFE: Inverted?
ME: No, in English Sharon.
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
a god among men
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
(filing for divorce)
Judge: Hello there Mike. The usual?
Me: That’s right.
Europe. Made in Germany.
the helium shortage is only being made worse by inflation
[history class in 2069]
TEACHER: how did the Civil War begin?
ME: when the United Nations prepared to pass the Sokovia Accords, which would establish a UN panel to oversee and control The Avengers, Iron Man and Captain America were divided.
TEACHER: correct
The most frustrating thing I’ve ever tried to do was throw away a trash can.
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 馃挬
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I鈥檓 not a rabbit.
If you watch Scooby-Doo backwards its about some kids helping a business owner enter a costume contest then minding their own business.
The hardest things to say:
(1) I need help
(2) Worcestershire
Being a civilian in a city of superhero鈥檚 must be so long 馃槶
No, babe. The first four alarms are just my commitment to the bit.
I love the smell of cut grass and the sound of unknown footsteps in my attic.
Spent the day decorating the house for Christmas and my wife spent the day re-decorating the house for Christmas.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
“Single use consumables are destroying the planet,” I yelled at her as I tossed another condom into the washing machine.
The closest I am to my hunter-gatherer ancestors is when I am gutting an Amazon package.
[Speed dating]
Me: Have you won any awards for playing the Quiet Game?
Him:…
Me: Next!
Me: I鈥檓 pretty sure I just died, but this place looks exactly like my office
Satan: yeah, welcome to hell
Me: well, I guess it could be worse
Satan: I also signed you up to be on the party planning committee
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOOO
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
4yo-“Can I have this granola bar?”
Me-“You don’t like granola bars.”
4yo-“I DO!”
Me-“You have never liked these. I promise you don’t.”
4yo- “I YIKE THEM! I want it!”
“…fine. Here ya go.”“Mom. I don’t yike this granola bar.”
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]