I have an eating disorder. I’m about to eat dis order of pizza, dis order of fries and dis order of nuggets.
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….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
culinary school students be like “bruh i got spaghetti due at midnight 😰”
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
I like to torture my kids by buying them a new Xbox game, and then taking them to the zoo all day.
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
Me: I like to tweet the same way I dance
Friend: like a big dork?
Me: well I meant like nobody’s watching, but that works too I guess
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, we’re still well below my average.
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
@truegritrumble @funTweeters The equivalent happened to my mate – he got a bag of carrots for his lunch, his daughter’s horse got his sandwiches
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Darth Vader was built for COVID-19. Great face mask & the ability to force choke anyone within 6 feet.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
I never thought I’d be the kind of woman to wear fur. Then I got 16 cats.
Reported my coworker to HR for sleeping on the job. I work from home. My dog is my coworker. I’m HR.
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
Nobody puts baby in a corndog.
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me:
Son:
Me: okay. I’ll stop twerking now
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
I have a draft that just says “rhino!” & I cannot even wrap my brain around why I thought that would make sense.