Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
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SICK of gossip rags only being interested in famous people. Can someone please investigate the woman in my building who put a salad in the recycling bin
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
You gotta feel for kids today, growing up in a world where all the good screen names are already taken
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
excuse me
I think that at least twice a week it should be acceptable to fall asleep with your clothes on and change to your pj’s to go to work
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Well of course the way to survive a shark attack is to climb a tree duh
[Doing a crossword quiz]
Wife: what is an exclamation of impatience. 6 letters.
Me: “faaark”?
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
haha of course i know how to pronounce marchioness of cholmondeley but you go first
so much to do
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Seductively takes 378 bobby pins out of my hair
5 year old: can you breathe on the moon?
me: no, there’s no oxygen
5 year old: what if you had an oxygen tank?
me: then yes
5 year old: what if the oxygen tank was empty?
me: then no
5 year old: what if you refilled it with oxygen?
me: is someone paying you to do this?
If people start referring to your outfits as “get-ups,” you might want to start rethinking some of your fashion choices.
I made a cool diagram of how the Spanish Flu worked in 1918.
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
bias laundering edition
Every time someone catches me eating cake, I tell them it’s my birthday.
Anyway, Happy 543rd Birthday to me!
Mom: Have you tried the lemon squares?
Me, joking: Nah, I’m allergic to shapes
Mom, serious: It doesn’t look like you’re allergic to round
What idiot called it “learning to be patient” and not “gaining wait”?
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
Some stranger replied to a tweet and asked me to date him, so I’m wondering what kind of weirdo does that and what should I wear.
God: you have terrible eyesight.
Bat: oh no.
God: don’t worry I’ve got a pretty great solution for you.
Bat: sweet!
God: you scream, fly in that direction while you try not to crash into a wall.
Bat:
God:
Bat: I thought you were gonna say glasses or something.