Sometimes you gotta go all Shakespeare on a bitch. Remove thy undergarments hastily, unless ye wisheth me to release seed upon thine eyes.
You Might Also Like
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
My wife is amazing in bed. She can fall asleep immediately no matter how loud the TV is on.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
Why go out and be a 3rd wheel when you can stay home and be a unicycle?
*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Each and every pizza can be a personal pizza if you just believe in yourself and don’t have any friends.
My family crest is a hand protectively shielding a slice of pie and a Latin motto that translates as “I’m still working on it.”
dracula: *bites neck*
me: oh, I should probably warn you-
dracula: *dies*
me: i am 50% garlic bread
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
Eggplants do not taste as purple as they look
My neighbor has brought me an iced coffee two days in a row. Weird way to propose but ok
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
Nursing school doesn’t prepare you for the number of elderly patients who will casually confess to decades-old murders.
food is so much better than sex, cause its like same mouth action but guaranteed satisfaction
~Elena Gabrielle
Your car will never make that noise for the mechanic. Your car is like “That’s our special noise. I only make that noise for you.”
me: *cooking 47th meal of the day*
my kid: mom, let’s pretend the kitchen is a restaurant
me: *eye twitch intensifies*
Three men are on a boat
They have four cigarettes but nothing to light them with.
So?
So they throw one cigarette overboard and the boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
911: what is your emergency?
Me: HE READ BUT DIDN’T REPLY
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Whenever a serial killer is caught, I always check my follower list to make sure you’re all still there.
Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
based al yankovic