The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
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While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
let us all return to a simpler time, such as when i believed astroturf was farmed in space and brought to earth
Me: Sex?
Wife: Sure.
Me: Really? Just like that?
Wife: Yep.
Me: …never mind.
I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.
All I’m saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
Wife got mad at me again. I guess it isn’t funny to give the last rites to every plant she puts into the cart at home depot
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
Once I surprised my husband with a murder mystery weekend, and not to brag, but it only took him an hour to get drunk and accuse everyone at our table of being the murderer.
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Mark Zuckerberg looks like he is secretly struggling to refrain from licking his own eyeball with his tongue.
Starting my own Mafia! Looking for:
1. About 5-6 oafish goons
2. A “supply guy”
3. Level 4 Mage
4. ????
5. Someone named Tony
The neighbor kid talks a lot of shit for someone who isn’t allowed to leave the yard.
“Why am I not asleep?” he thought, while shining a beam of pure information directly into his eyes from eight inches away.
YOU COULD HAVE HAD “MERRY SIPMAS” OR “HAPPY HOLATTES” ARE YOU KIDDING ME WITH THIS SHIT RN
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross
Dog: Whatcha doing?
Me: Shaving my legs.
Dog: Why?
Me: So that I’m not covered in…
Dog: Not covered in what, Erren? NOT COVERED IN WHAT?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
3: I don’t want to read. I just want to sit here and be mad.
Me: Okay—
3: And bite people.