It’s polite to hold a door open for a woman, but no one specified by how much
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Gluten-free!
Pumpkin pie!
Whole Foods has made me a happy guy.Vegan too?
Yes it’s true.
One less thing on the list of have-to-do!
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
who called it rolling over in the grave instead of a plot twist.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
boss: you’re late
me: sorry I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour
boss: did it work
me: no, I think I need better shoes
you ever take a long hard look at yourself and think, “wow, i should really clean this mirror.”
my ears are currently carrying sunglasses, headphones, and a face mask. ears are a purse
[eating dinner]
wife
me
wife
me [wearing 8 Burger King crowns] If they didn’t want you to take more than one there’d be a sign
wife
me
wife
ME: *reads mac & cheese box* Stir cheese sauce every 5m to keep creamy
[4yrs later]
ME: *still stirring every 5m* Please.. I have a family
Wife told me she’d been “really getting into animal security camera videos” recently and I had her show me one to see what she meant. You’ll need sound:
*glances up from GameBoy*
SO ANYWAYS THIS IS THE FIRST DATE I’VE BEEN ON IN A WHILE, HOW ‘BOUT YOU?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
can we normalize arguing with little kids they’re so rude 😭
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
If I die before I wake, I pray the lord has ice cream cake.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My debate style is more like Teddy Roosevelt. I carry a big stick in one hand, a sword in the other, and wait for you to agree.
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
First date idea: you rescue me out of the tree I got stuck in while looking through your windows.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
My 9 year old got an IPhone today and so far I’ve had 93 texts and 14 FaceTime calls from the other room just to say “Whatcha doin?”
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
It’s too bad u can’t safely fill babies with helium. How cute would that be to look up and see hundreds of floating, chubby, happy, babies.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Living in Switzerland wouldn’t be so bad. The flag is a plus.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
Dear young cashier,
$100.89 is not pronounced $189.
Signed, a lady you scared
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk