Christmas always sucked when I was a kid because I believed in Santa Claus, and unfortunately, so did my parents. #Christmas
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Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
If they want to increase the use of public transit, they should start using a scale at the DMV license renewal counter.
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
True story on this from a place I worked. Guy knew he was going to be fired on Monday, we were closed Sundays, and he was the last person in the building Saturday. Put jello (powder) in all the toilet tanks before leaving. Called in sick Monday.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door…
Don’t wait until the last minute to procrastinate. Start procrastinating today!
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
CANADA WATCHING US NEWS
[Watching Netflix]
ME: Ohhhhh…I never thought about paying off a funeral home to get rid of the body…genius.
HIM: What??
ME: What?
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
It’s said that it takes 43 muscles to frown, but only 17 to smile which is why my face is ripped as hell
I want a pet eagle that’s trained to steal people’s sandwiches for me.
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Stop humanising dogs, they’re better than that.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
Guy doing yoga
Me: Poser!
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
My daughter asked if we can just pretend she’s being well behaved and tbh I think it might be easier for both of us
no one still wants to fight me after I gently remove my earrings and swallow them
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
Are you dating a bunch of bees?
Me: My Amazon order arrived!
Him: What did you get?
Me: *scratches behind dragon’s ears* Nothing important.
Him: New happy pills?
Me: Maybe.
Crying is a sign of leakness.
Cinderella is my favorite story of a guy who couldn’t remember what the love of his life looked like.