Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
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Sex so good you see dead people.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I hate it when someone says “here’s the thing…” and then doesn’t give me a thing.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
motivation
Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.
Hubs: Is that the same oreo as before?
3yo: No.
Hubs: Is that a new one?
3yo: Yes.
Hubs: Are you hiding them around the house?
3yo: …Yes.
The political activism in this country has gotten out of hand. My son is lobbying for equal pay from the tooth fairy after hearing that some kid got $20.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Reasonable mental health and a good relationship with his mother? I can’t work under these conditions
supermarket employee [scanning 34 different types of cheese]: you sure do like cheese
me [nervously looking at rat in my pocket aiming a gun]: yes, i do
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
If a vampire is also a doctor, an apple is as effective as garlic
Really Google Autocomplete? You honestly think I want to search for “hardcore poem”?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
Me: I’m not really good with plants. They just need too much time and attention.
Her: Don’t you have a child?
[giving eulogy for friend i let borrow my jacket] ill tell you what i miss most
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I wrote ‘DIVORCE’, my wife wrote ‘YES’.
Tough way to find out, but at least I won our last game of Scrabble
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
what if waldo was in the witness protection program and the books are just a way for the mafia to find him?
It wasn’t weird until my husband asked why I didn’t send him the nudes I made him take of me.