I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
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The first time I stayed at my girlfriends’ house, her dad wouldn’t let us sleep together.
Shame, he’s very attractive.
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
Airport Announcer: Please report any unattended items to TSA
Me: *sees random 3-year-old running around*
Me: *slowly reaches for phone*
I feel the older I get the more I understand why deer run in front of cars.
Alright white people, had to Google “totes” to find out what the hell it meant. I know one of you came up with it. Cut that shit out.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
A guy asked me out!
Well, a guy asked me if I was going to be the same place he is.FINE, my boss called to see if I was coming to work.
Headline: “Russian Jet Shot Down by Turkey”
My 1st thought was, “Holy shit the bird has gone Rambo.” I must have Thanksgiving on my mind.
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
[first date]
Date: So what do you do for a living?
Jesus: I’m a carpenter but my real passion is hosting self-help seminars.
Doctor: *eyes wide*
Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time
everyone’s allowed one idiotic business idea, and this is mine: a high-end restaurant for chewing gum. we manufacture many of our own gums in-house, but we also offer rare and vintage varieties. you want gatorgum, the gatorade gum from 1992? it’s part of tonight’s $155 prix fixe
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results
You can train a cat to do whatever it wants you to do
My greatest hope is for my eulogy to start with “Her reign of terror is finally over.”
Me: I love doing dishes while listening to my favorite boy band
Her: N*SYNC?
Me: no Sarah, I wash my dishes in the refrigerator
“Out of sight, out of mind” doesn’t work for donuts.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
Regrettable life choices: not learning how to syphon gas
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
[David Attenborough watching me when I overslept and have 5 minutes to get ready for work]
Extraordinary.
respect
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Why do all the famous lady ghosts have all these salacious stories fueling their haunt? I promise If I’m a famous lady ghost when I die, I’m not going to steal your man or your baby. I’m just going to pet your dog.
Sorry, Tim. The Zoom meeting gods demand a sacrifice and you have the most annoying voice in the department.
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
And this song would come on and all the white people would start having a group seizure.
Me explaining the Harlem shake to my grand kids.
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo